Homosexual Habromania
by SoulLidify
Summary: "DAMN IT, WE ARE NOT SEXUALLY REPRESSED!"


A/N: Err… yeah. Why am I not working on 'A Fairy Tail Ending'…? The world may never know...

* * *

"YOU FRIGID-ASS MORON!" Natsu snarls as he storms past Lucy, who doesn't even bother to try to placate him anymore.

"You hot-headed FREAK!" Gray responds in kind, stalking forward with fists clenched. The two lean so close together that they're almost _touching faces-_

Today is a normal day in Fairy Tail. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and Natsu and Gray are trying to strangle each other. Lucy doesn't blink an eye as she rolls her eyes and continues talking to Wendy and Lisanna, Gajeel is _occupied_ with Levy (he'd deny it if you ever asked, though) and Erza is conspicuously absent, so the two males are free to go at it as they please. Yes, everything is normal. _Except_…

Mirajane snickers by the bar as she polishes a glass at the scene. Natsu and Gray take a moment to take in this new sound, so unfamiliar to their usual fights, and turn slowly. Mira is looking right at them, her lips curved upwards in a smirk and her eyes leering. The two feel a shudder go down their spine for reasons unknown.

Natsu is the first one who decides to break the _whatthehellisgoingonhere_-moment. "Oi, Mira," he calls, and reluctantly pulls away from Gray. "What's going on?"

"Oh, nothing, nothing," she grins. _Evilly_, and that is the precise moment that Natsu knows: SOMETHING IS DEFINITELY UP. Gray frowns, his eyebrows scrunched together, and (_veerryyy_) slowly walks towards the bar. Mirajane is beaming now.

The two squint their eyes in the brightness that is Evil!Mira.

It is at this point even Lucy notices that Gray and Natsu are not ripping each other up, and Mirajane's presence of _eevvill_ has caught her attention. "Mira," she blinks twice and tilts her head curiously. "Is something the matter?"

Now, most of the guild has focused their attention on the odd spectacle that isn't Natsu and Gray tearing each other's clothes off (_NO NOT IN THAT WAY_-)

"Oh, no," Mirajane smiles again, but it strikes the members of Fairy Tail as the smile of a witch on the verge of a cackle, and they simultaneously shudder, feeling guilty that they could _ever_ think such a thing of their dear, pretty Mira-

"I was just thinking that Natsu and Gray had a _thing_ for each other," Mirajane finishes.

The entire guild amends their previous thoughts- Mira _is_ a witch.

Gray babbles incoherently, eyes bugging out as Natsu slumps to the ground, foaming at the mouth and twitching several times.

Finally, Gray manages a slightly coherent response. "We are _not_ GAY," he chokes out, but Mirajane is quite obviously not going to let what is SUCH A POOR EXCUSE OF AN EXCUSE slide.

"But as a _professional _matchmaker," Mira stresses the word _professional_, "I have noticed that you two have all the signs of attraction for each other."

"Attraction, my _ass_," Natsu gurgle on the floor. Gray glances at him exasperatedly. Mira squeals.

"You looked!" She pauses, and then covers her mouth with her delicate fingers, her mouth opening in a small _O_. "You know, even if you _do_ find his bottom attractive, that's no reason to get it on in the middle of the guild…"

Gray feels an urge to slam his head into a wall and suddenly wishes Erza was here- wait, _OH DEAR MAVIS NO HE TAKES THAT BACK THAT WOULD BE TERRIFYING (_probably).

Finally, he hisses, "We. Are. _NOT. GAY._"

Lucy giggles at that, and he whirls on her furiously; she _tsks_ at him as if he were a small boy to be reprimanded. "I don't know about you," she drawls, probably happy that Mira's matchmaking attention is focused on someone besides her for once and reveling in the fact (and Gray is _definitely_ going to get revenge), "but that sounded like a big heaping pile of denial to me."

"_Deeennniiiiiiaaaaaaallll_," Wendy echoes with a wide grin that is too toothy and childish and cute for Gray to pick up and throw against the wall, although if it were ANYONE BUT HER HE WOULD TOTALLY DO IT-

Natsu finally manages to get himself off the ground. "We're not in denial," he says, but it sounds suspiciously like denial to everyone else but him and Gray, and so the entire guild just snickers and giggles behind the palms of their hands as the two males fume, all previous steam expended and the will to fight gone.

Damn it all.

"Listen," Mirajane coos slowly, as if explaining something to a pair of small children. "You constantly fight, which is obviously a sign of you two being sexually repressed, and you tear each other's clothes when you fight as a result of what I'm pretty sure is your subconscious desire to get each other in bed-"

(Natsu is back on the ground, out cold.)

"-and you're both all sweaty around each other too! I'm quite sure that's a sign of nervousness around your, ah… _significant_ _other_," Mirajane finishes grandly, with a wave of her hand. Gray hears romantic music start to play- WHAT THE HELL, IS HE THE ONLY SANE PERSON IN THIS GODAMN PLACE?

"Or _maybe_, we hate each other, _accidentally_ rip clothes when we fight, and _sweat_ as a result of physical exertion?" He smiles triumphantly. His argument is logical! It is sound and sounded completely normal and there were absolutely _no_ fallacies for Mira to argue.

"But you're so obviously sexually repressed-"

"WE ARE NOT SEXUALLY REPRESSED-"

"Then why are you always stripping around him?" Mira smiles innocently.

Silence. A pause.

Oh damn.

Suddenly, Erza marches into the guild, her armor clanking with every step, and for the first time in his life Gray thanks whatever gods there are up there that Erza is here, for she would _surely_ be able to stop this madness and somehow punish him and Natsu so that they could run off in terror, share an awkward moment of bromance (but not _gay_ bromance), and then get back to fighting and some semblance of _normality_…

So caught up is Gray in his (delusion) fantasy, that he doesn't notice Erza step on Natsu's back (Natsu whimpers like a puppy) and walk past the two, listening to Mirajane's excited explanations with a nod every now and then.

The entire guild holds their breath waiting for her verdict. Gray has a whole lot of _ohshit_ on his face as Natsu writhes on the ground. Erza glances sharply at the two of them, opens her mouth, and-

"Definitely gay."

Gray's jaw drops open. Lucy cheers; Levy is taking this all in with bright eyes and a wicked grin, taking notes furiously (gee, he never knew Levy was _that_ kind of girl) and Mirajane is smiling, smiling, smiling-

"WHAT THE HELL?"

Erza walks towards him, and pauses for a moment. "That's quite alright. It explains your two's odd behavior in those showers we used to take." She walks out of the guild, a woman on a mission, leaving with a dramatic flourish (but it's probably just for the sake of theatrics).

Natsu flops about like a fish out of water, gurgling.

"Oh," she pauses, glancing back before taking the final step out of the guild, and then says (much to Levy's delight), "Don't worry. I approve of your love for each other. Anyone could see that you two are sexually repressed."


End file.
